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BELIEVE IN ME
by Isabella Paco

 

And will God believe me?

When I get to the pearly gates

As the clouds trail behind me, trialing my every move

Will God believe me when he sees me?

My entire life has been spent chasing him

A man I do not know really well

Chasing the idea that bathing in

Good, Sinless, pure, and clean

Will cleanse me of the stains of my blood

Bleaching my hands in regret

As I’ve spent my entire life being told that I should be burned at stake

A creature at the hands of the embers of fire

Prepared to scorch me

As I watch my entire life burn into flames

Because of my actions

But I do not run and kill the fire

Just the type to let it sizzle, let it grow, let it burn

My face painted in ash and smoke

My breath is just gasoline that adds to the flames

Just a match ready to set it aflame

Ready to burn the entire house down

And I spent my life being told to save the boy, to save his life

But what about me?

Will God believe me?

When I tell him that it wasn’t all my fault

That the blood is not just on me

That I am just a girl who was confused

Who recklessly causes chaos

Just to look for some noise

Uncomfortable with the warmth of other’s embraces

But ready to seek the warmth of my burning house

And as the frostbite burns at my fingers and shivers run across my thighs

I try to explain that this is my only source of heat

That I am my only source of warmth in these cold cold winters

No one gives warmth like I do

Because I am one to love the raging fire

Letting it rage like tomorrow, like the day after

Blistering suns covered by all of the rain, smoke bursting from my eyelids and ears

As I apologize, to explain

That I am the reason for all this chaos, but at the same I am not

That it’s not just me

Will God believe me when I tell him I am sorry?

And I know I’ve apologized, and I know that I keep making the same mistakes

Failing the same learned lesson

Will God believe me?

But I’ve spent all of these years being told that he won’t

And I don’t know if he will

But when I stand at the gates

Explaining myself,

Will he listen?

Or will I be denied like everyone has done to me before?

Will God believe me?

Because I just want to be believed in

My writings– just apologies to my future self as I know I will never learn my lesson

But I’m trying

I really am trying to learn, but no one has taught me this before

Dear God

Can you believe?

Even if I’m a sinner

A repeated offender of all these mistakes that I keep making

Can you please believe me?

Even if no one does, even if no one doesn’t

I just want someone, anyone, to

Just believe me

Just believe in me.

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