Nature's Natural Disaster: Forgiveness
by Isabella Paco

Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing you will ever do

Does the sun ever say sorry for its scalding brightness?

Have the waters apologized for its tidal waves?

Do they hate themselves for all their past mistakes?

All the times a building was torn down through tsunamis

Do they look back and say

I’m undeserving, unworthy, unlovable?

How do they breathe at night?

Is nature apologetic for simply existing?

Unclenching their fists

Their eyebrows releasing tension

Can they finally be able to exist again?

After everything I’ve done

My hands stained in betrayal, the tears of someone else’s hurt

I can only shake in anticipation for the next mistake

Watching their lips shake at my actions

Disappointment burdening their shoulders

I have proven them right by being wrong

After all of this, how do I unapologetically become myself?

A force of nature

A walking natural disaster that I cannot regret

The world is only forecasting my steps

Only watching my every move

As their glaring eyes watched me scream

Wrath against the world

Smashing buildings with my fists

Tantrums of anger waiting to be understood

But hurting everyone in the process

Pushing against the walls that only seem to get closer

As my mother reminds me, that this is all my fault

And I can only shoot words like a missile

Without the countdown button

My mother reminds me

I am the reason for the end of the world

The catastrophe that always seem to occur

How do you forgive yourself–

In all of this pain

In all of this hurt

Growing pains as I stretch myself tall

Fingertips touching the roof

Overlapping, intertwining with myself

All knotted up like a pair of vines

I want to get better

But I am reminded of why I could not in the

first place

How do you forgive yourself

For ruining lives

For being spawned in a world that doesn’t seem to want you

Being told that you are forever unlovable

How do I forgive myself?

In all of this regret

I’ve only ever learned pain.