And I don’t want to think about it
I’ll clean the slate of my mind
The plate was licked clean of anything remarkably heavy

​

Just the healthy things

​

Even though my heart aches to swallow
My body is just a force to be reckoned with– puking it all out

​

Word vomit spilled all over my brown tanktop

There is nothing left for me here

I grip my hand on the edges of the toilet
Hoping it could hold me as I dunk my head in impure and distracting

From all the unhealthy

 

I wish I knew the answer

But the answer means admitting defeat

And I’m not ready to do that yet

 

As I search for love down in the sewers

Thinking I’m deserving of only manure

 

And the only tunnels I explore

Leave little light for me to enjoy

 

I try not think about

The heavy weight of my body

As it resists the urge to pick itself up again

 

As I douse myself in gasoline

And light myself aflame

In order to replace the smell of shit for brains
With only smoke and pain

​

And the alcohol only works for the night

And the same with short term intimacy

As I crave for warmth in burning homes

Satiate my thirst with rubbing alcohol

Lock myself under the covers

Bare and raw like all of my lovers

All I have is my poetry

All I have is my grief

But I don’t want to think about it

Not for now, not for the week

 

And I guess it’s time to let go

For me to admit defeat

 

Because nothing is keeping this plate clean

Not for you and not for me.